The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
