this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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