At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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