my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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