You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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