Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
