R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
