i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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