fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize