saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
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I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
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I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism