She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos