some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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