You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
