she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
