I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
