i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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