Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
