dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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