I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
