Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
