My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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