Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
