I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Only a mothe r could love this liver
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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