I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
foreskin is a definite game changer
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
