highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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