I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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