did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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