Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
