The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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