I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
