It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
