i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
