I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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