my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
