I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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