I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
