I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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