Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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