She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
