Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She even gives head with a lisp.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
