Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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