You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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