Dude my mom stole all your condoms
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
