Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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