I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Every concussion has its silver lining
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
