my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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