my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
