I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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