Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
