Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
