$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Sext me about skeletons
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
