Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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