I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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