Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
