You smell like a Billy Joel song
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
