i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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