i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
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Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
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Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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