You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
